“Recovery”
I’ve felt super discouraged lately about my progress in recovery and learning to live with my conditions. I’ve felt frustrated that I’m not farther along. I’ve compared myself to others. I’ve cried over the time that I feel like I’ve lost to my conditions and the delays I still face for reaching my hopes and goals. I’ve wondered if I’ll ever live the life I want to live without my OCD and migraines interfering so much.
Then, a couple days ago, I got a fortune cookie that said, “Two small jumps are sometimes better than one big leap.” It made me pause and think about what my small steps have looked like lately. Some examples are: watching a movie by myself that I was nervous I couldn’t handle, going on social outings last minute, and doing some cooking on my own even though it challenged my perfectionism. Who would have thought that rolling burritos or watching a movie would be ways I could see my progress. It’s very easy for me to discount my progress and feel it’s not enough. I see my peers working and having successful careers, getting married and having babies, or traveling and doing lots of social things and I realize just how small my world has gotten due to the OCD and my migraines. Some days I’m even just scared to leave the house because of the “what ifs” that run through my mind. It’s only been in the last month or so that I’ve started to stretch myself more outside of the house by doing more dates with my partner or going for walks on my own. It took four tries, but I eventually was able to go to a movie and stay all the way till the end without leaving either due to anxiety or pain. Through these seemingly small steps, I’m building my confidence and retraining my brain that not everything is a risk and I don’t have to live a life solely based in anxiety.
One of my very first professors in college told me: “Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can” during one of the worst times of my life when I didn’t know how to survive each day. A time filled with grief, hopelessness, and so many other emotions. He was encouraging me to take small steps. Those small steps got me through my undergrad degree. And now I’m realizing I need to bring myself back to that mindset of focusing on what’s in front of me and doing what I can in small steps. Recovery doesn’t typically happen in leaps and bounds, it happens in the day-by-day, hour-by-hour steps. Recovery happens when we look at our values and make choices based on those values. Recovery happens when we give ourselves the space and grace to not be perfect and start over as many times as needed, and rest whenever is needed too.
I know there are still going to be moments where I feel stuck and anxiety interferes with doing what I want to do. I know there are going to be times I feel upset and emotional over the effort and time progress takes. But I also know that I’m farther than I ever expected I would be looking back to that freshman year of college. I’m here and I’m still trying, and beyond that….I’m healing.
Long story short: Don’t be afraid to take the route filled with small steps :) Sometimes the scenic route is the best one.
